V Sez: My Immortal Commentary
by V.M.Stone
Summary: Yes, my pretties! I have finally gotten off my butt and gotten an FF account! Join me, fanfickers, as I tear into the most heinous assault on literature of all time - My Immortal.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Hey, people. V here. So a while ago I started doing commentaries/reviews of terrible, vomitus fanfics and books on Fictionpress, starting with the infamous "My Immortal." However, since I have since begun slacking off on my current reviews (yes, yes, I'll get on that…eventually…), I decided to start reposting commentaries here to expand my audience/hopefully help me avoid the Charybdis that is Internet Obscurity. Hope you enjoy! __**–VmS-**_

Well, here we go. I, V.M. Stone, am going to attempt what few mere mortals have ever dared-read the entirety of the notorious rapefic we all know as "My Immortal." For your entertainment, I shall commentate upon said pukefest until you all get bored and stop reading, I finish the story, and/or I go stark raving mad and show up halfway through algebra in a lime-green tutu with a chicken on my head. Whichever comes first.

Into the breach, my friends. Here goes.

*Ahem*

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

_V sez: *faceplants into keyboard* I'm doomed._

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'nessDementia Raven Way

_V sez: Okay, already I have a question: How in the name of Bruce Banner's underpants do you pronounce an apostrophe? The French don't use that as an accent mark, and they're, well…French._

and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

_V sez: Hold up-she can spell limpid, but not the? Even if "Raven" edited this, I'm assuming the author's notes were present at the time, otherwise there'd be more typos in the actual text. Fellowship, methinks I smell a troll._

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

_V sez: Ah, nothing like good old incest fantasies to get the creative juices flowing._

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

_V sez: Mrs. Meyer, there's a plagiarism lawyer on Line One._

I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

_V sez: Dear God, I'm surprised she doesn't give us the barcode numbers while she's at it._

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

_V sez: Whaaaat? People, I have never seen it snow and rain at the same time-sleet, yes, but that's different-and I live in freaking Minnesota, Bipolar Weather Capital of the World._

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

_V sez: *gasp* Quick, somebody call the Filmmakers Guild-Hitchcock needs to have his Oscars confiscated, because THIS is suspense!_

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

_V sez: *blink* Sorry, guys. It's not the sudden ending that's bugging me. It's just taking me a little while to accept that someone this irritating would have friends._

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

_V sez: "Please tell me," she says. Meheheheeee._


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

_V sez: No promises, love. Carry on._

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.

_V sez: *muttermuttermutter* physics *muttermutter*_

I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

_V sez: Where do you even get bottled blood? Has Walmart been having a sale or something?_

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

_V sez: FOUR PAIRS? Darling, I'm surprised you have any ear left._

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me.

_V sez: Raven, m'dear, you need new friends._

She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

_V sez: Waist-length implies long, deary. Unless she's a midget, and even then it's all in proportion._

She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

_V sez: "OMFG" ? What is she, a lolcat?_

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

_V sez: *ahem* And I quote: "Do you like Draco?" "No I so fucking don't!" End quote. Ebony Way, you wretched tease._

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

_V sez: GC, you have the Mother of All Agents if you booked that gig. Cling to him or her like piss stains to a toilet bowl._

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

_V sez: To quote the sainted Alex Day (*dreamy sigh*), "It's a bit like a subplot, except that I don't care at all."_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

_V sez: I'm not sure what I should be the most concerned about: the horrors of this strange "flamming" practice, the fact that I was apparently just sworn at in Nordic, or that people actually gave this good reviews. *shudder* Maybe that apocalypse theory has more merit than I thought…_

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

_V sez: 0_o Yep, just a typical Saturday night, folks. Move along, nothing to see here, it's all under con-oh, I'm sorry, ma'm, but you'll have to move your van, it's blocking the SWAT team._

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

_V sez: "Kewl," maybe. Straight? Meh…don't get your hopes up, girl._

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

_V sez: Am I the only one who imagines her skipping at this point? Tell you what, Tara, I'll get you a dictionary for Christmas this year-then you can look up "depressed" all by yourself like a big girl! Won't that be fun?_

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

_V sez: Somehow I'm not surprised._

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
>They're all so happy you've arrived<br>The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
>She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).<p>

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

_V sez: Ok, first I was going to say they were both underage and wouldn't be able to get into this imaginary Hogsmeade club, Ebony's snowflake powers aside. Then I remembered that 17__**is**____of age in the Potterverse. Why does this matter, you ask? Because it means that, for the only time in the whole of the fic, it conforms to canon. :0 Those of you playing the Tropes drinking game at home, down the bottle._

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

_V sez: You can DO that?_

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.

_V sez: Ooh, perfectly legal beer, scaaaawyyyy. I love how dangerous this chick thinks she is. Steal yourself an armored car or get in a shootout or something, darling, then we'll talk. Next._

We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!

_V sez: M'jitos, I think we just found the one Hogwarts student who takes the word "Forbidden" seriously. *yawn* Lame._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!

_V sez: "ebony's name is ENOBY"? Deary, if you can't even decide on a name, I can call her whatever I want. Rules of the Internet, sweetheart. Look'em up._

DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!

_V sez: Malfoy, dear boy, if that's true, then you deserve each other. Keeps the gene pool nice and chlorinated for everyone else._

dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

_V sez: And thank you__**so**____much for sharing that tidbit earlier; it was so helpful. *sigh* Oh, fine, don't bother with the blindfold and the last cigarette. Let's just get this over with._

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

_V sez: Good point._

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

_V sez: Boy, "Shindler's List" must just keep you in stitches, huh, Ebony?_

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.

_V sez: Wait-so he climbed on top of her first, and THEN they made out ("keenly", free cookie to anyone who can figure out how that works) against a tree? *gasp* Stop the presses! Malfoy is SPIDERMAN!_

He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

_V sez: Oh, dear LORD, it's Ikea Sex. Somebody pass the bleach._

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

_V sez: *dies laughing* Misspelled and inappropriate or not, WHY was this line not in the actual books? WHY?_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming!

_V sez: Hey, there we go! See, spelling's not that hard, huh?_

if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

_V sez: Actually, I'm surprised anyone complained about that bit. I haven't laughed so hard in days._

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

_V sez: Uh-oh. We might be stuck here a while._

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

_V sez: This suckfest brought to you by the RIAA: Because we too have no souls._

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

_V sez: "Mediocre dunces"? WTF kind of an insult is that?_

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

_V sez: For some reason when I picture him saying this, he sounds uncannily like Alvin the chipmunk._

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

_V sez: Oh, you love her? Okay, our bad. You kids have fun. *shakes head*_

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.

_V sez: Wait, you were FLATTERED? You're a kinder soul then I. I'd just laugh at him. Or dump him. Or both. Yeah, I'm not a very sentimental person. Sue me._

We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

_V sez: Unless mine eyes deceive me, m'lady…this__**is**__an update. Would you like the egg on your face now or later? Maybe some lemon juice on the side for your open wound? I aim to displease._

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

_V sez: Spray paint, darling? Really? Have you ever SEEN hair dye? I know the cans are a little confusing, but usually if you can put it on a wall, don't put it on your head-though I suppose that would explain your obvious brain damage._

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk,

_V sez: Part of a balanced breakfast!_

and a glass of red blood.

_V sez: Funny, I wasn't aware it came in other colors. Do they have it in puce? Grey pupon, maybe?_

Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

_V sez: Oh, noooooo…_

He had a manly stubble on his chin.

_V sez: Tee hee-"manly stubble." Next person I see with a goatee, I'm using this on. We'll see what kind of reaction I get._

He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

_V sez: Lolz-girlrections._

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

_V sez: *turns on "Another One Bites the Dust," sobs quietly* If Fred and George show up in this fic, I think I'll puke._

"Why?" I exclaimed.

_V sez: My sentiments exactly, love._

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

_V sez: ENOUGH WITH THE ADJECTIVES!_

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.

_V sez: *twitch* To quote Rupert Giles, "the Earth is doomed."_

n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

_V sez:Jeg lave ikke indtale dansk, deary. Try it again, and in English this time, okay?_

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!

_V sez: A satanits? The nits of Satan? So she's a bug from Hell? Okay, that I can believe._

n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

_V sez: Honey, get yourself a medical textbook or something. Depressed people don't care half this much about their outfits. Though maybe you should make her have actual clinical depression; it would save everybody a lot of grief. But *shrug* c'est la vie. Continue with the mind rape, if you must._

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish

_V: Wait, but you said it was black…red…mnyeah…*frowns at screen for ten minutes, thoroughly confused*_

(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

_V sez: Honey, you have no idea._

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

_V sez: And she made him gay, which in lemonspeak translates not into, "normal human being attracted to their own sex," but into, "canon character-turned-gentleman of negotiable, constant affection." Joy._

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

_V sez: Lol, frenching passively. "Wanna make out?" "Meh, maybe. You?" "Whatever. No skin off my nose."_

He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX.

_V sez: AGAIN? Man, don't you people get tired? Why don't you take a break? Really, take a long as you want. A century, perhaps._

(c is dat stupid?)

_V sez: If you have to ask…_

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

_V sez: *gasp* SCANDALOUS!_

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

_V sez: *ack* word repetition-word repetition *goes in convulsions*_

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded.

But I knew too much.

_V sez: Careful now._

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.

_V sez: I wonder if Hogwarts students have cell phones and Internet access. Malfoy, ye best pray they don't._

He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

_V sez: *falls to floor in hysterics* Ah, and just my luck, I have English in five minutes. Detention be damned, I know__**exactly**____what I'm going to say when I walk in._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

_V sez: "Flassing"? Is that like flossing or something? Or flashing? Flashing WHILE flossing, maybe? Dang, you've gotta have some good hand-eye coordination for that._

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

_V sez: Does this not bother them? I mean, just a little? Or is there some serial streaking problem going on at Hogwarts that JKR forgot to mention?_

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.

_V sez: Is "understatedly" even a word? Ugh, my__**head…**_

She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

_V sez: That seems a bit pointless, doesn't it? Kinda like the rest of this story._

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.

_V sez: Oh my God, not you too, Hermione! YOU MANIACS!_

Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

_V sez: I-peh-this-grah-*incoherent splutterings of RAAAAGE*_

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

_V sez: Haha, I'm officially answering all my phone calls with that phrase now._

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

_V sez: Wait-but I thought it was Malfoy who was dating her, not Harry. How could he cheat on her if his not with her? AH SO CONFUSED!_

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

_V sez: Hang tight, chil'rens, it's time for a PERSPECTIVE SWIIIIIITCH! *cue creepy tunnel scene from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory")._

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

_V sez: Lost her "virility"? So if you screw Malfoy, you lose your youth? That's the worst Midas-esque curse I've ever heard of._


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

_V sez: Again, why are people picking on this bit? C'mon folks, this craptrap is a goldmine of errors. No need to be prudes._

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!

_V sez: Religion aside, I don't recall Snape ever licking Harry. Of course, I could have suppressed the memory._

MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him.

_V sez: For some reason I just pictured a cat being shot out of a cannon at Voldemort like in PotC. It amuses me. Neeheehee._

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

_V sez: He's VOLDEMORT! It's like all the old-school Disney movies taught us: If you've got your enemy at your mercy, screw honor and stab the bugger good._

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

_V sez: William Shakespeare? What are you doing here?_

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

_V sez: You don't say!_

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

_V sez: LOLZ! Okay, right now I don't care how bad the story it came from is- I WANT THAT LINE!_

"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

_V sez: Yes, but I'm going to pretend I don't. Bad puns hurt my soul._

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

_V sez: Walking and sucking face at the same time? Is that even possible?_


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

_V sez: Oh, God, she has a band. Cower in fear, people. She better not be the le-_

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.

_V sez: Too late. *pulls out hair*_

People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

_V sez: Hey, she used "cross" in a sentence! NO MORE PUNS YAY!_

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

_V sez: Diabolo? Like the French kiddie cocktails? Dude, I love those things! Never struck me as very satanic, though._

and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die

_V sez: Dangit. And I was so hopeful, too._

because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)

_V sez: Ahem. *kicks protagonist in shins, politely points at first paragraph*_

or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

_V sez: Wait…she is talking about the__**cartoon,**____right? The__**has-a-happy-ending-black-comedy-cartoon**__, that one? WOMAN! STOP POISONING MY CHILDHOOD! RAAAAH!_

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

_V sez: Perish the thought!_

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

_V sez: Haha-just pictured Hermione in a Wagnerian opera getup (horns and all), belting this line out at the top of her lungs. Tres amusant._

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.  
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.<p>

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)

_V sez: Well…_

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

_V sez: Yeah, maybe a bit._

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely.

_V sez: Cry what now? Explicame, por favor._

(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)

_V sez: *facepalm* Well, at least she tried. Baby steps, V., baby steps._

"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

_V sez: Yes, dear nerdfighters-there__**is**__a Santa Claus. And he's early! HOORAY!_

_**UPDATE: Hello again, darlings! So since I am an incurably lazy soul – and because it's just such fun to torment you – I will only be posting ten chapters a day. Don't like it? Well you can just!…go to my Fictionpress page and read the rest. Hope you enjoy. –VmS - **_


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